Smacking

Recently a few mums I know have been told by older people that their children need a good smack. It makes me wonder, firstly what is a good smack? I can’t see anything good in a smack, certainly not if you are on the receiving end. I also wonder how much they remember of their childhood and how it felt to be smacked. Some of these mums have told me that one reason they don’t smack their children is that they still remember the humiliation and betrayal they felt being hit by the people they loved most. So it set me thinking, its 15 years since I decided I would not be smacking my children, why did I make this decision?

Basically it was very simple, when Amber was a couple of months old I was sitting in a park feeding her and watching the kids playing. One child hit another, as little kids often will, and his mother’s response really set me thinking. She grabbed him by the arm and smacked him, then said “we don’t” smack “hit” smack “people”. It seemed odd to me to try to teach someone not to hit people by hitting them. It certainly made me think. I thought some more about why people smack their kids and what it was telling them, and I came to the conclusion that there was no situation (that I could think of then, and still haven’t found one) where there wasn’t a more appropriate action. I also realised that all smacking teaches is that bigger and stronger people can hit smaller and weaker people, or maybe even that might is right.

I certainly didn’t want to teach my children that they could do what they wanted if they were strong enough, so I thought more about how to discipline my kids. It’s a complex topic. I remember my mother telling me about the one time my father smacked me, yes he only smacked me once. I managed to get to 3 without him feeling the need to smack me, so when he did I got quite a shock, and I cried for the rest of the day, but not only that I wouldn’t talk to him, wouldn’t look at him and certainly wouldn’t hug him. I went to bed sobbing because the one person I could depend on to love me had hit me. My mother used to occasionally smack me, but after that she cut it right back too. I think they saw the betrayal I had felt that the people who loved and cared for me had hit me. So knowing that my parents rarely smacked me, yet knowing that I was a very well behaved child, I pondered what did they do that made me behave.

I know as a child I didn’t behave well out of fear of being hit, because it really didn’t happen that often. Thinking more I realised I behaved out of fear, but out of fear of hurting my parents, out of fear of disappointing them, fear of letting them down, just simply fear that they would be sad that I had misbehaved. So I behaved well to make my parents happy, and to have them praise me and be proud of me. Looking back, yes my parents were a bit conditional in their love, because I behaved to earn their love.

I realised that if I worked it right, my kids would want to behave because they knew that was what I wanted from them. So while I give my kids unconditional love, and love them no matter what, which they know. They also know that I am happier if they behave well, they don’t like me getting grumpy and unhappy because they have been naughty. They also love it when I tell them how well they are doing, and that I am proud of the way they behave. Yes on occasion I will send them to their rooms, or give them a time in, where they have to sit with me and watch everyone else having fun, but mostly they are good because they know that is what I want of them.

I have also noticed that tired and hungry kids have trouble behaving, so when my kids get a bit grotty, I will offer them food or a rest, and that seems to work, they will behave better afterwards. They really want to be good kids, because that is what works best, they want others to enjoy their company, and they know that by behaving others will enjoy their company. My kids have learned that the consequences of misbehaviour is that others don’t want to be with them, so loneliness, the consequence of good behaviour is friends and company and fun.

So when my kids misbehave in public, as they occasionally do, and others suggest I smack them, I find that the best thing is to feed them, or cuddle them, or just take them home. Works every time. There is no way I’m going to smack my kids, no matter what they do.