Total Loss

Yes, that’s what the assessor called it, a total loss. Our car that was crashed into three weeks ago, is a total loss, we are not getting it back. It served us well, was great to drive, maybe not so comfortable for the kids. After all it was designed to seat five and we are a family of six, the third row seat is designed for 4 – 8 year olds, so it was great at the beginning. This year we Lily turns 9 and Possum is only 3, so we don’t have any 4-8 year olds any more. We were going to be stuck at home between Lily and Possum’s birthdays, looks like the restrictions have set in early. We are back to being a one car family, and nothing we can do will fit all six of us in our Corolla sedan.

So we are looking to purchase a new family car. The emphasis here is on car, and that is the problem. We have 4 kids, so need a seven seater. I’ve been searching for a good seven seater car, and I can’t find one. I can find heaps of 4WD, or people movers, but we don’t want a 4WD or a mini bus, we want a car. The first week after our car was crashed we hired a Kia Carnival, but we didn’t really like it. It is a mini bus, not a car, it isn’t enjoyable to drive. Have we done ourselves in, will we never enjoy our driving again, just because we had a fourth child. We also spoke to our mechanic, apparently it costs around $1000 to service a Carnival, it used to cost us $150 for the Commodore.

So we need a new car, and we need one that is easy to service and good to drive. We don’t ask for much do we. If anyone who reads this blog, knows about a good 7 seater car (and I mean car, not 4WD or mini bus) please let me know, I’m getting desperate, they don’t seem to exist. Of course we aren’t desperate to buy one, we haven’t got the money from insurance yet, and it’s going to cost way more than we get from them. Oh the other difficulty is we really don’t want to spend more than $40,000. I don’t ask for much do I?

Voyage of Discovery Part 3

At the end of grade 1 Techno Boy had learnt very little. His teacher had just ignored him, allowed him to go his own way, do what he liked and not what he didn’t. He was a quite child, didn’t disturb the class so she didn’t see any problems. He never had meltdowns, he never made much noise, and he also didn’t learn to write or spell anything. At the end of grade one he could write his name, that was it. He could count to 1000, he could add and subtract, he could read a little, but he couldn’t write. Amber was writing sentences at the end of grade 1, so we began to worry. Looked like things weren’t going well after all, we were very unhappy with his teacher.

Grade 2, well the whole class was behind, but he had a wonderful teacher, she was our lifesaver. One day after school she asked me if Techno Boy could have Aspergers syndrome, as he had many behaviours similar to her nephew who had recently been diagnosed with this. We took him back to the visiting paediatrician who said, no chance, he is too social. So we continued worrying. He hated school. We decided that he couldn’t have aspergers, but he clearly had a learning difficulty, he still couldn’t spell anything, he would just put any random letters down. So we took him to a private paediatrician who specialised in learning difficulties. She sat with him for half an hour and spoke to him, got him to read to her, and really paid attention to him. She suggested he might have aspergers. So we started down the path to get a diagnosis. At first we went public, but a friend on the inside told me we could be waiting over 12 months, we just didn’t’ have the time, he was starting grade 3 and still couldn’t spell. So we went private, got a diagnosis within 6 weeks, and a teaching aid the next week.

After that our journey got a interesting, we had to travel to Perth regularly for speech therapy as the local service only does early intervention. Sadly our diagnosis came so late that Techno Boy was not eligible for Early Intervention, so we had to travel regularly to Perth and pay through the nose for help. Still it helped a lot, after a year he could tell a story that was almost coherent, it had a beginning, middle and an end. Only problem was that the middle went all over the country before we got to the end. Still life is better now.

We continued to allow Techno Boy the freedom to be himself at home, but at school he had to learn to fit in. So many simple things were difficult, like closing the door in the toilets, blowing his nose when it was runny (still haven’t mastered this one), covering his mouth when coughing. Sitting quietly when waiting. Understanding when is a good time to ask a question, understanding which questions are OK in the class, and which should be asked privately afterwards. School is hard for Techno Boy, every day he spends half an hour winding down when he gets home, then he pops in for a bit of afternoon tea before another half hour of winding down out side.

Amber, Lily and Possum accept him for what he is and help him through many potential problems. They are wonderful children. Possum arriving in our lives when Techno Boy was 9 was a great thing for him. Babies don’t speak but they communicate so much through other means. Techno Boy learnt a lot about non verbal communication through having a baby in the house. He also learnt a lot about caring for others and helping those who are less able than he is. Having a baby in the house taught him about sharing and about being selfless. We are so lucky that we had Possum when we did, Techno Boy really learnt a lot. We watch Possum do things, and remember that Techno Boy didn’t do them. Sadly Possum is already more advanced socially than his older brother.

Voyage of Discovery Part 2

When Lily was 3 months old and Techno Boy was 3 ¾ he started kindy, this was when the problems began. We had never had any trouble with him before that, but at kindy they tried to jam our square peg into a round hole, and he just didn’t fit. Amber had really enjoyed kindy, she just slotted into the routines and patterns of school with ease. She walked into the room, saw how others behaved and followed the cues, she saw what the teacher wanted and gave it to her. Techno Boy saw none of this. He saw a room full of toys and wanted to play. He was meant to go 4 half days, which I felt was too much for a 3 year old, so I sent him three half days. Within a short while I realised that was too much for him and kept him home another day. He didn’t enjoy kindy, I couldn’t understand it, Amber had had so much fun. One day he came home and asked me “when will I be good” I nearly cried, he already was good, he was my wonderful boy, how could his teacher do this to him.

I took him to the visiting paediatrician (when you live in the bush, that is what you get if you are lucky). He asked me lots of questions. Watched the boy play, and heard him talk to me, asked a few questions of the boy about the toys and got quite sensible answers. His diagnosis was poor parenting, too much TV, not enough interaction. He also thought that we weren’t paying him enough attention because of Lily, but Lily was an easy baby, and I could do anything while feeding or holding her. So we went home and worked on all these things, didn’t help at all. I watched him with the TV, he didn’t really watch it, it was just background noise, something that Amber was watching.

He was a lot happier at pre primary, Lily loved it too, they both enjoyed doing art at the school on my parent helper days. Techno Boy still had problems, and the teacher was worried, still at the beginning we thought it was just the result of the hard year he had at kindy. Half way through we had him assessed by the school psych, IQ test, query ASD. Well he ceilinged the test, that means he got so many right that they ran out of questions. We had been considering holding him back because he clearly wasn’t coping, but after this we decided maybe he was just too bright for this, and would do better when he started real learning. So we progressed him to grade one.

I explained his difficulties to his new teacher and she just ignored me. After all she was the expert, I was just some ignorant mother, I didn’t realise she had ignored me until later. I checked in regularly, she reassured me, “Techno Boy is doing really well, No problems.” I relaxed, we had made the right decision, he just needed the extra stimulation of real learning. We sat back and enjoyed our year. Techno Boy wasn’t really happy at school, but he didn’t complain. I heard from older boys that he was doing a few odd things, so I sorted them myself. The teacher was still saying he was doing really well. It was during grade one that we began to think Lily was a social genius, she was more socially adept than her brother.

Voyage of Discovery

Having kids is a voyage of discovery. So many different things to discover while bringing them up, so many gems of personality to help unearth. I feel though that our journey with Techno Boy has been a bit more stormy than with the other three (although we are only beginning Possum’s journey so no idea what it will bring). This is because Techno Boy has apsergers syndrome. He is different to the rest of us.

When Amber was three, Techno Boy entered our lives. Amber was a delight, and so was Techno Boy. They were very different, but that was OK, all children are different and of course boys and girls are different. We were happy. Amber was a strong personality and had taught us to let our child form there own niche in life. In our house we didn’t force square pegs into round holes, we let the little pegs create their own little holes that fit them perfectly. This was Amber’s gift to our family, children are individuals and need to make their own holes. We needed this gift to help us deal with Techno Boy. We had learned the lesson so well that we had no trouble with Techno Boy, he was a delight just like his older sister.

I had the occasional moment of concern. I remember thinking that he wasn’t getting as much attention as his sister had. I remember noticing that I didn’t play that babble game with him, we didn’t babble back and forth like I had with Amber. So I tried to play it with him, and he just wasn’t interested, so I accepted that he didn’t want to play that. After all he was an individual, it was his own choice. Another gift Amber had given us was the knowledge that breastfeeding was good for toddlers too, we had breastfed until she was 2 ¾, so we did the same for Techno Boy, in fact we fed him until he was a week shy of his third birthday. This gave him lots of cuddle time, lots of time connected to me, lots of time to feel loved and to feel safe and comfortable. Looking back I feel he really benefited from this. It was so good for him to be breastfed and held close until he was three.

When he was 3 ½ Lily was born, she was an easy baby. Lily slotted into our lives with ease, she went anywhere anywhen with no hassles. She could feed any time and sleep anywhere. Life just flowed around her, and I just took her everywhere. Her birth changed nothing, we still took Amber and Techno Boy to kindy gym, ABA meetings and school. Life really didn’t change when Lily came along, she was a delight to add to our family, fitted in with no hassles. I sometimes think Techno Boy didn’t even realise she was there. Other times he knew full well, after all I did have to sit and feed her sometimes, so he was no longer the youngest and centre of attention. He had to move out of my bed and into his own, life did move on for Techno Boy, but he was fine with it.

Just Good Luck

My kids are wonderful, yes I am biased. I was chatting with another mum the other day and we were saying how lucky we were that out kids were so well behaved, and we didn’t know what we had done wrong when they misbehaved, because of course all kids are good and bad. I thought about it for a minute, you can’t have it both ways, well actually mums don’t get it either way. If the kids are good it is luck, if they are bad it is something we have done wrong. It’s a lose lose situation.

My kids are all good looking, now this is really good luck, they have somehow managed to get all the good genes from both of us, well except for teeth, they have lucked out there. So their looks truly are good luck, after all physically it is a bit of a lucky dip. My kids are also really well behaved, most of the time, and I like to think that this is more than just luck. I think it is the result of the time and effort I have put into them over the past 15 years. OK, so I’m lucky I can afford to be a stay at home mum, but then again, we have chosen to live simply so that we can live on one income. We have four kids in a three bedroom house, we don’t have lots of electronic stuff, our TV is small, our car is old. We choose these things so that we can afford to live on one income and I can afford to spend time with the kids. I really do think we are benefiting from all the time I put in, I don’t think it is all down to luck.

So please think about how wonderful your kids are and claim the good as well as the bad. The good isn’t all luck and the bad isn’t all our fault, both are a combination of luck and the way we have brought the kids up.

Phases

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a parent say “he/she’s just going through a phase” I’d be a rich woman. Children are always changing, growing and developing. Many parents seem to look at every stage as a phase that the child is going through. They are constantly waiting for the child to come out of that phase and become a wonderful person. I find that kind of sad, it seems like they are never quite satisfied with the child they have today, and are always waiting for the mythical improvement that is just around the corner.

I look at my kids and see them, just as they are, the way they are today is the child I love right now. Of course I know they will grow up and I often wonder what they will be like in 5 or 10 years, but I’m not desperately waiting for them to grow out of whatever phase they are in right now. I’m enjoying them where they are at, just the way they are right now.

I’m not sure where this going through a phase idea comes from, but I wonder how helpful it really is. I don’t think parents find it very relaxing waiting for their kids to get through this phase, then the next. I must say I find it enjoyable just watching my kids and enjoying them where they are today. Maybe as parents we need to stop looking forward for a moment, and enjoy the now, just like our little ones do. There is so much pleasure in being in the moment, and I think it might be helpful as parents to be in the moment with our kids, and enjoy them right now in this moment, at this stage.