21 again

Yes today is our 21^st wedding anniversary. Yay Us! 4 kids and still going strong, not sure what we are doing to celebrate as it is a school night, but I have plans for an enjoyable dinner. Yum!

Smacking

Recently a few mums I know have been told by older people that their children need a good smack. It makes me wonder, firstly what is a good smack? I can’t see anything good in a smack, certainly not if you are on the receiving end. I also wonder how much they remember of their childhood and how it felt to be smacked. Some of these mums have told me that one reason they don’t smack their children is that they still remember the humiliation and betrayal they felt being hit by the people they loved most. So it set me thinking, its 15 years since I decided I would not be smacking my children, why did I make this decision?

Basically it was very simple, when Amber was a couple of months old I was sitting in a park feeding her and watching the kids playing. One child hit another, as little kids often will, and his mother’s response really set me thinking. She grabbed him by the arm and smacked him, then said “we don’t” smack “hit” smack “people”. It seemed odd to me to try to teach someone not to hit people by hitting them. It certainly made me think. I thought some more about why people smack their kids and what it was telling them, and I came to the conclusion that there was no situation (that I could think of then, and still haven’t found one) where there wasn’t a more appropriate action. I also realised that all smacking teaches is that bigger and stronger people can hit smaller and weaker people, or maybe even that might is right.

I certainly didn’t want to teach my children that they could do what they wanted if they were strong enough, so I thought more about how to discipline my kids. It’s a complex topic. I remember my mother telling me about the one time my father smacked me, yes he only smacked me once. I managed to get to 3 without him feeling the need to smack me, so when he did I got quite a shock, and I cried for the rest of the day, but not only that I wouldn’t talk to him, wouldn’t look at him and certainly wouldn’t hug him. I went to bed sobbing because the one person I could depend on to love me had hit me. My mother used to occasionally smack me, but after that she cut it right back too. I think they saw the betrayal I had felt that the people who loved and cared for me had hit me. So knowing that my parents rarely smacked me, yet knowing that I was a very well behaved child, I pondered what did they do that made me behave.

I know as a child I didn’t behave well out of fear of being hit, because it really didn’t happen that often. Thinking more I realised I behaved out of fear, but out of fear of hurting my parents, out of fear of disappointing them, fear of letting them down, just simply fear that they would be sad that I had misbehaved. So I behaved well to make my parents happy, and to have them praise me and be proud of me. Looking back, yes my parents were a bit conditional in their love, because I behaved to earn their love.

I realised that if I worked it right, my kids would want to behave because they knew that was what I wanted from them. So while I give my kids unconditional love, and love them no matter what, which they know. They also know that I am happier if they behave well, they don’t like me getting grumpy and unhappy because they have been naughty. They also love it when I tell them how well they are doing, and that I am proud of the way they behave. Yes on occasion I will send them to their rooms, or give them a time in, where they have to sit with me and watch everyone else having fun, but mostly they are good because they know that is what I want of them.

I have also noticed that tired and hungry kids have trouble behaving, so when my kids get a bit grotty, I will offer them food or a rest, and that seems to work, they will behave better afterwards. They really want to be good kids, because that is what works best, they want others to enjoy their company, and they know that by behaving others will enjoy their company. My kids have learned that the consequences of misbehaviour is that others don’t want to be with them, so loneliness, the consequence of good behaviour is friends and company and fun.

So when my kids misbehave in public, as they occasionally do, and others suggest I smack them, I find that the best thing is to feed them, or cuddle them, or just take them home. Works every time. There is no way I’m going to smack my kids, no matter what they do.

Theism/Atheism

The recent Global Atheist Convention held in Melbourne generated some interesting conversations and commentary. The ones I found most fascinating were the people who asked the organisers “as you believe in nothing, what will you be talking about” or “will you be discussing the devil”. Both of these questions demonstrate a scary level of ignorance. Theism is the belief in a supernatural higher being who may or may not interfere in our lives. While a tight definition of this doesn’t really include the devil, if you think about it, he is a supernatural being who is said to interfere in people’s lives.

I found it fascinating that people would think that atheists believe in nothing, they simply don’t believe in a higher power, they still believe that when they flick the switch the lights will come on, they still believe that we are “a rock revolving around a golden sun”. You can believe in global warming, without belief in God, you can believe in the innate goodness of people without belief in God. You can believe so many things without believing in God. So the Atheists would have been able to find many things to discuss at their convention, besides their lack of belief in God.

I definitely believe in the innate goodness of people, I watched my babies from birth, and their only desire was to be good and to please their parents, they loved us from the first day. I don’t swear, my kids don’t swear, they never invented their own swear words, which they certainly would have done if they were born evil. I know night waking is often seen as babies being naughty, but I don’t think it is any naughtier than Lily not doing differential calculus, she’s only eight and hasn’t learnt it yet, a 2 month old hasn’t learnt to sleep through the night yet either. Both need time to learn things, and both are trying very hard to fit our expectations, because they are born good.

So what do I believe, well … I definitely believe in God, but I don’t believe in the Devil, I don’t see the need for an opposite number. God shows people the way they should travel and then gives them the choice, they don’t need the devil to tempt them off the straight path, they can stray all on their own. So to all those who say the devil made me do it … I don’t believe you, I think you did it on your own accord. I believe that God has a plan for the world and all the people on it, but he gave us a choice and as a result he has to sit back and watch us suffer sometimes because choices go wrong. He is always there to help if we ask for it, just as a loving parent is for kids who fall off the swings.

I really hope the Atheists enjoyed their convention and got a lot out of it. I think everyone needs the chance to gather with others who share their beliefs, and to have the support of like-minded people. That is after all one of the reasons for organised religion, that people can get together with like minded people and share their beliefs. Atheists have just as much right to this as the rest of us, and I do think, that at the moment, they possibly need it more.

Weight Loss 2

I was planning on updating my weight loss each month, but like most bloggers I got a bit lazy and haven’t really been posting as much. My original plan was to post at least once a week, and even though I have written more blog posts, I don’t seem to find the time to post them. Of course with the kids back at school I am busier, but still, it doesn’t take that long.

Back on track though, my weight loss for February and March is a grand total of 3.5kg, which isn’t all that much, but it is actually better than my plans. So far since the first of January I have lost 6.4kg. I lost a lot more in January because I was going to the pool every day and getting lots of exercise. Since school has gone back, I’m not getting as much real exercise so I’m not losing as much. I have to get out on the tramp more, but its still too hot during the day time, and too busy in the morning and evening. Still the weather is cooling, hopefully I’ll lose more in April from the extra jumping, although the extra chocolate may cancel that out.

We’ll just have to wait and see.